I can actually hear myself losing my hearing!!

I know it sounds crazy and youre thinking I should be checked in to the Psych ward at OHSU! But seriously the more I hear the ringing and scraping sounds, the more I know and feel that my hearing is going away . I think it is my ears way of saying goodbye, im dying! It is really annoying and scary at the same time! I am getting more and more excited about the implant more than ever! It feels like this is the avenue that I am supposed to take. James and I had an argument over the fact that I am not deaf, last night! He said that I am hearing ! WTF ! but now I know what he meant by that ! I am hearing! I think like a hearing person, If you have not had the experience with a deaf person then you will not understand! I am deaf but I was raised and taught in the hearing world. I didnt learn about deaf culture and it experinces until i was 14. everyone that I have talked with that is deaf told me i shuoldnt get the CI, all the people that are hearing say I should get the CI. it is weird but, I understand where both are coming from! I want my hearing back ! but when the CI is not on my head, I am the world of silence. which i consider being deaf. I am deaf ! I dont care what others think of me I am deaf, not hearing! Will I ever be a part of deaf culture? NO! will i be a part of the hearing world? NO! I am finding myself stuck in between! and as my appointment is coming around the corner the more nervous i am ! but i am excited to get in shape with my hearing!